Pirates of the Carribean 3

It’s probably worth noting that most of the pirates in pirates 3 are not, in fact, from the Caribbean, but from all over the world. That was one of the things that promised so much in the latest epic pirate film from Disney. Okay, I’ll stop sounding like a professional critic now. They’re mostly windbags.

So, I had high hopes for Pirates 3 to be the best in the series yet. A few reasons.

– The leap forward in character animation with Davey Jones was incredible in Pirates 2. I was excited at the prospect of seeing that wonderful quality translated into the scenes with Jones that would no doubt promise higher action, and drama. He is, without a doubt, the best thing in the franchise, on account of his excellent effects, and moving backstory of unrequited, cursed, love, with a retention of his sense of duty and loyalty.

– Keira Knightley.

Hah, Im just kidding. But it seems like so many men say that. I don’t even know why. There are women I could call if I just wanted to have an evening with an attractive woman, and its not only possible, but highly probable that I would exchange more words and smiles with said women, than went between Keira and I the night I saw Pirates 3.

Really, guys. Social Commentary, over.

– the trailers promised a fresh look for the film. The earth-tones and greenish blues that were so prevalent in the first film were not as present in the second, replaced by darks and cold, wet blues, and the final chapter was heading towards greys. High contrast smokey deep greys. That had me interested, certainly.

– With the antagonist from the first film now playing on the side of good… uh.. good…ish, a very calm and capable villian from the second, and killer awesome henchmen, and increasingly ambiguous loyalties and love triangles on the better side… well, there is plenty of room for good writing there.

So. The Supper was terrible.

I’m not going to say flat out “the writing sucked” or something like this. As a whole, the Pirates Franchise is not known for its witty writing. It is known for consistently portraying the events, characters, and motivations that are present, with an entertaining shell.

Which is where 3 fails. Instead of portraying events, the progression of the film is arm-twisted into gags and gimmicks.

Avert your eyes if you wish to avoid spoilers.

So, Elizabeth is on a ship…. uh.. let’s make her the captain, so that she’s more capable and a stronger female character. Why on earth would the captain name her the successor? Uh….. I dunno. Let’s make him senile and think that she is calypso, the sea goddess.

So, for the sake of watering elizabeth’s character down into a strong-female gimmick, we’ve made one of the major characters loco-insane.

Another example:

Towards the end, there are is a multitude of interesting elements, and a broad range of wonderful visuals. The pirate lords from all over the world! A huge fleet of ships under Beckett, prepared to destroy them! A SEA GODDESS HAS BEEN RELEASED AFTER HUNDREDS OF YEARS. A MALSTORM IS TAKING DOMINANCE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BATTLEFIELD!!! CURSED PIRATES ARE BOARDING OUR HEROES’ SHIP!

So, what do we devote screen time to? A wedding gag, and shooting a monkey out of a canon for no reason.

Nevermind that the characters stopped speaking romantically half a movie ago
Nevermind that it detracts from the gravity of the scenario,
Nevermind that its been done a million times.

It’s boring. Its really friggin boring.

I can just hear the execs discussing the Jack Sparrow insanity scenes.

“Well, Johnny Depp is what makes these movies good… let’s put johnny depp on the screen as much as is possible.”

So, Verbinski probably suggests clone shots, and doing this insanity thing with him, and it doesn’t get integrated properly. Its just chopped up and thrown into the pot and served to us raw, unrefined,… a hodgepodge of not-well-thought-out ideas.

Bottom line, is that the filmmakers abandoned selling the story, which is supposed to be happening constantly in a film, with no breaks whatsoever…. and tried to replicate the effective situational humor from the previous films.

And it wound up sucking. Save your money.

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