Archive for the Loukusisms Category

I don’t think any woman alive will ever live up to your standards.

Posted in Loukusisms, Love on June 16, 2007 by ephisus

I got an anonymous tip-off this morning on my facebook honesty box application.  This is what it says:  Unadulterated.

I don’t think any woman alive will ever live up to your standards. It seems like you’ve built up a woman who doesn’t exist, and women can sense that. It might be what’s giving you so much trouble in this particular situation.

 This should not be misinterpreted as a scramble-to-defenses sort of writing regarding this.  It’s not likely that I would have a vehemont reaction to such a statement, being how that first sentance has been uttered, word for word, by several independent people in different social circles.  So, it bears examination.

There are two things that I think might be referred to as something that establishes my “standard”

 The first, and most likely, is my expectation of myself convince a woman to marry me without the aid of any serious physical involvement.  In the past five years of holding myself to this; I have met women that I believed would be capable of following through on a relationship with me, each one has fallen in turn to the test of time and other, less concerned, suitors.  Generally speaking, there are a substantial number of people who understand the expectation of celibacy, and the extension of that idea to kissing is a slight stretch for most, but not impossible.

The second, possibly, but not probably, is my willingness to highly compliment certain women with poetry.  Perhaps the idea that a statement complimenting a particular woman’s beauty, makes her feel inadequate, like it is an epitaph she cannot live up to; is what is being referred towards.  I think that’s silly, personally, unless the person commenting thinks me to be disingenuous or overtly charming for some alterior motive.  If I say such a thing to you, it’s because I like you.  It’s because you really are that beautiful.  I’ll digress, the first is far more likely.  One of my darkest hours entailed being told how wonderful the romance had been, in spite of it’s eventual failure– being simultaneous dashed and praised for my idealism.  I have never come across such serious evidence that what I seek is impossible, though at the moment, I was more occupied with the immediate consequences. 

I do not think that the romance is the problem on the surface; but a base matter of interest.  These women were not that interested in me, point blank.  That is a discomforting thought in and of itself, but the fulcrum here is that the impossibility of the matter lies in myself:  my ability to attract a woman to the extent that follow through will take place, opposed to the pursuit of other men, or percieved demerit in pursuing a relationship sans physicality. 

 I have been unable to do this, for whatever reason, not even in situations where the women have been statedly interested.  That is my male colored understanding of my situation, I do not understand what ‘standard’ I am holding women to, other than an expectation of comely love, enacted on with purity.  Those are each difficult, but the only way that I know how to live properly.  If ‘properly’ is too difficult, then I will do without; I despise the notion that failure is always inevitable.

We can do all things through Him.

Re: Kiss Her; it may be your last chance.

Posted in Loukusisms, Love on June 1, 2007 by ephisus

http://randomvandal.wordpress.com/2007/05/31/kiss-her/

I see a lot of people affirming what I take to be ridiculous notions about love and physicality.

I suppose that is nothing new.  Not in my personal life, and certainly not on the Internet, and more-so not in the world.  But, I’ll talk about something related.

It is my belief that it wasnt so long ago that I blew past such a last chance, and I only blinked once.  Without going into any detail, regardless of whatever other parties may say, I’m rather confident in the fact that my vow to not kiss, and my follow through of this, shot whatever chance I had in the foot, and it had been limping along for a year to the month.

My knowledge of other events surrounding this are scant, at the very, very, very best… but I do take it to understand that *most* people take this sort of “don’t think, just do” attitude when it comes to that first kiss.  It’s probably worth noting that my first kiss was such a thing.  She saw that conflict in me, even at that young age of 17, and said to me “You’re thinking too much”, she only got her next sentence half out before I went for it.  I don’t even remember what she was saying.  So…. that very much happened before I became very affirmed in my beliefs and ideas about life, and I have come to regret what is very standard fare for most.  Regardless of else that may be said of me, I am strange in this regard.

Because of that strangeness, it is hard to put to words, the pain, to someone outside of my frame of reference, that is caused by the knowledge that other men have been willing to act uncaringly, unthinkingly, in this way, and enter into this kind of muddlement that the given person, be it me, or some other suitor, fought against within themselves, out of concern for the purity and health of the would-be relationship.

 Addendum, rather…  That pain is caused by the knowledge that this confusing, psuedo-state, uncaring, unthinking…….. -immoral-… action, is the very thing that draws her away from you with a quiet, contemplative disposition and a few tears. 

I chided someone, once, for thinking too much about the nature of our relationship.  That was stupid.  My attitude now is that any such person should be told to go and think and pray long and hard….. But I said otherwise then, because I understood innately… that abandoning thought and reason in this kind, on my upshot, was the surest way that she would stay, though I was not willing to cement that grey to us manually by kissing her.  But I did so want her to stay.

And that ‘staying power’ is the power of the physical relationship, and men often wield it like a club, not a rapier.

But, this appears to be how both men and women prefer to live, nowadays.  I’ll none of it.  It hath made me mad.

Cuius regio, Eius religio

Posted in Loukusisms, Love, Sex on May 23, 2007 by ephisus

  I think I’m beginning to narrow down my problem with some of the status quo a little more.  Just the problem, not a practical solution, other than waiting on the Lord.

  See, Joel Loukus is a huge idealist.  He persists in quixotic notions about Life.  He values truth and morality, honor, love, respect for life, and wisdom above his own happiness, and tries to carry this idea to it’s ultimate conclusion in all that he does.

So, of the three objectives:  Pursuing God, propogating an Family, and making cool movies, I’ll unabashedly claim that numbers one and three are pretty well in the works.  Number Two is sticky, at best.

 I value monogamous love, it’s expression in sex, and the institution of marriage at such a staggering importance, that I have taken this vow to not Kiss until marriage.

  Here’s the main rub.  More than a few women have exclaimed at how wonderful this is.  The words echo, “Any woman would be lucky”.  In time- on average of about a year- most of these women have opted to *not* be the lucky girl, and have gone for men with far less idealism.  In fact, most of them have gone off with men with no idealism. 

 Agnostics.

Or, in other words, Men that are inherently unable to commit to real ideas.  Maybe that’s harsh.  I am not sorry, neither.

 The reason that this is so offensive to me, is that I have held out this romantic, idealistic, pure love to women, and I have been spurned in favor of men with worldviews that, when pressed, would force them to admit that thier actions– all those sweet kisses on the forehead, or quiet tea parties, or sweet nothings whispered– are simply biological, and that monogamy is a joke, and that the only finality in the universe is chaos and death.  That men and women(or whichever) embrace each other temporarily, worshiping the physical comfort of thier biology.

And it is truly, absolutely, offensive to have that chosen over what I will describe as real love. 

 It is, without a doubt, the most offensive thing that happens to me.  And it happens- basically- every year.

5 years?

Posted in Loukusisms, Writing on April 26, 2007 by ephisus

I realized that I stopped writing poetry regularly half a decade ago.

Bandwidth Question, maybe, been writing screenplays (trying to) for much of that time. Or perhaps something deep like retreat and comfort… Doesn’t matter, really. Should poetry really make sense to people?

The Love Broker’s Test

I have heard it said, often,
How I am unwise.

I have seen you see that Fear
that puts me to my motion.

But

For all of those, I am now barren.
Ungirded before your stern stone shine-less walls

Did not you see me there?
With tears of sand, In thick loud yellow heat?

Stupid and brash and bold, and to and for the brink, thus.
To gaze into the inch wide gap between you, me, plus us.

But, there was no new and gleaning truth.
So and back, and back. and back, and back.

Wond’ring at my lack-full suit with loud and listless sighs.

Ridiculous, at best.

Posted in Film Score Composition, Loukusisms, Projects on April 26, 2007 by ephisus

It’s strange, the things we can become attached to. This particular thing, for me, is hard to reconcile in certain ways.

Petra.

Let me preface, saying that I have very little interest in 80’s culture, or indeed, mostly anything post 1950’s, aside from advances in filmmaking.

That said, I have a ridiculous attachment to the music of what basically amounts to a Christian Hair band. Stood next to my other interests… Very serious, dramatic and often abstract films, Shakespeare, Classical music, This kind of fare… well, it sticks out a little.

I don’t know that this can merely be attributed to youthful attachment– there were a great number of other artists– artists that I enjoyed much more from my parent’s library of music, which I would not listen to with such regularity today.

— Petra does not even have a vague gothic appeal that would align with my interests in period pieces and classical styles. These guys are wearing sweat bands… not Shakespearean Ruffs.

Highly Irregular.

I’ve been meaning to do a tribute… a fan edit synching Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ Footage with Petra’s Track “It is Finished”… and allow it to leak around a little on the internet.

Looking at the concept though, i get the impression that only someone like me, with this crazy out-of-suit fascination that just happens to fall where it does, would get any real enjoyment out of it.

Hmm.